oh, oh me and my emotions.

When Linda first saw me last night she said “you look like the
quintessential girl next door!” I didn’t hear her at first but someone,
I forget who, said, “Did you hear what Linda just said?”, obviously
remembering the references from my xanga. It’s funny how accurate I am
sometimes on how I’m perceived, and how other times I’m completely
wrong. I wish I could get a handle on my insecurities. I look back on
this year and wonder what happened to the girl with unbreakable
confidence that was just gained from the summer. I’m still okay, I
maintain a pretty good self-esteem, but it’s not comparable to what I
had in the beginning of the year. Stupid, unobservant, clueless people
have caused this change. I care too much so I revert back to my old
ways. These past weeks, especially, I’ve been an emotional wreck. I’ve
almost let my inadequacy issues ruin a friendship with an awesome girl
just because I feel so horribly incomparable when I’m with her. I’m
glad she left for the summer so that I didn’t have to get to that
breaking point and we can still be friends.

I wish certain people cared about my feelings, or rather noticed.
However, those two terms, caring and noticing, are directly correlated
sometimes. You won’t notice someone, or what’s going on with that
person if you don’t care. And making me relive the same issue over
again really isn’t taking my feelings into consideration. I notice
patterns in people. The way they say and do the same things over and
over again is slightly disturbing. You’d think people would learn from
their mistakes, myself included, instead of wallowing in this
disgusting cest pool of stupidity. I’ve noticed that some of my friends
aren’t particularly compatible with me, and I’ve noticed that some of
my friends are horrible people. No one is directly malicious, it is
alwasy unconscious. But, in a way, this is worse. Because they’re not
trying to be mean, it just naturally comes out that way. And it is
because of this unconsciousness that I would feel like a horrible
person if I stopped being friends with them. I still see the good
aspects in them, the surface, and I’d like to think core, of who they
are, but that deeper level, the bitchy or coniving side scares me a
lot, and I really don’t like it. I need to move on, from people who lie
to me (I really don’t care if it’s “so I won’t get upset” or it’s to
“protect me”, I should know!), people who make horrible comments to me,
the utterly shallow, the narcissistic, the elitsist, and those who
completely disregard my, or anyone else’s, feelings when making
decisions. In short, I have too many unkind and insensitive friends.
And as I enter into my senior year I realize that I don’t need to
pretend to condone the things they do anymore. I’ll still be nice to
them, there’s no need to be rude, or I’m just like them, but I’m not
going to stay silent when they upset me anymore and I’m not going to
try and make them feel better by rationalizing their actions (or
accepting THEIR rationalizations), or by trying to console them when
they feel guilty about hurting someone’s feelings or making someone cry.

Ahh the revelations that are made when returning late at night
returning from an adrenaline rush caused by dancing with your favorite
people.

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4 thoughts on “”

  1. omg, arika.  my xanga is trying to explain the same exact thing.  people just don’t appreciate what people do for them or how much crap we take over and over again.  it’s so frustrating.  but the few true friends that i have make up for it.  (aka YOU R A TRUE FRIEND and i’m glad we got to know each other)

    Like

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